Strong Arms, Tender Heart...

3 weeks. 3 weeks without posting. Isn't that pathetic? I'm sure some of you thought that I quit blogging. I believe I'm totally missing out on you guys, right? I have no clue what's going on with your life right now - so sorry. This is why I hate/love holiday season - you have so many things to do, but simply not enough time. I've missed you guys...

By the way, did I ever tell you that I love strong arms? I love the feeling of being protected by him. The strength or the tenderness... I close my eyes and there, I can totally sink into his heart. What a wonderful feeling...

I can't believe that Thanksgiving is already gone and Christmas will be here before you know it. And I don't even want to think about it, but then "2010," here we come.. Damn, no wonder why I get old, fast!

In several months, B and I will celebrate our 2nd year being together. Of course anything can happen between now and then, so I'm not holding my breath yet, but it will be nice if we can see our big "2"!!! Funny how B never talks about end of our relationship; on the other hand, I am constantly worrying about us. I think overcoming insecurities should be on top of my resolution for 2010.

I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving with your family and the loved ones, darlings!

In Our Own Marriage Bed

There is one thing I will never cross the line - to be in B's own marriage bed. I know every couple has their own rule and some people have no problem invitng their lover into their own marriage bed. I just can't. Am I curious? Sure. Would I want to see his house and the life he leads there? Yes. But, I know I will never, ever visit his house nor will he visit mine.

I know many things about B, but there are also many things that are still mystery to me. There are times I feel like I know him more than anybody and yet, sometimes I feel I don't know him at all. I am only comfortable with what he wants to share with me, which is not everything. If he tells me that he wants me to know everything about him, of course I will welcome it with open arms, but I know who he is....

He does share about his children with me. He talks about his kids a lot; how much he loves them or how much they mean the world to him. He talks about them with love and delight. When he talks about his wife is a different story. He admits there are many bright spots in his relationship, but at the same time, he feels tremendous emptiness...

But whatever our marriage situation is, B and I both believe that going to each other's nest is off the limits. Our own marriage bed is sacred. I don't want to smell his wife nor her presense when we're together, and I wouldn't want B to come to my house and walk around my husband's territories. We have a mutual respect for each other's real world or at least that's how we want it. But B and I also want to create our own oasis - warm and dreamy, where we can be who we really are - that's something I will never want to let go.

A Little Break Is All It Takes....

B is in Ohio on a guys trip with bunch of friends. I can't believe they flew for a football game. It's cold up there, right?

Anyway, he goes through so much for his work and has no time for himself, so when he told me about the trip a few days earlier, I was really happy for him. He was so excited like a little kid. I told him he could put me in the suitcase and bring me with him. He jokingly said, "Not happening" and we laughed.

I've thought a lot about my relationship with B for the past week. I looked inside from the outside, really hard, to find out what I really want: if this relationship deserves my heart or if it would be a waste to invest my time and feelings. Yes, it's hard sometimes. Yes, it gives me grief at times. But, I can't imagine my life without him. It's foolish to think that I need him in my life, but I really do. Knwoing that I'm part of his life (the real joy of his life, he calls me), I am thankful for today, that I am still with him. I know my life is better him in it.

I can't wait for him to come back. I miss him so much...

Knock Knock

Knock, knock!

-Who's there?

Rainy

-Rainy who?

Rainy who loves you and keep knocking on your door. Would you please open the damn door?

This is how I feel about my relationship with B sometimes.

He opens his heart to me, and sometimes he closes it right in front of my eyes.

My heart is wide open, baring myself to him and feeling vulnerable, and yet yarning for his love.

Stupid I know, but this is my life, the life I'll never want to see go away...

Silence

There are not many things to write these days because B and I have been going through a phase where we don't talk all the much - I used to panic and get all confused with his silence, but now I'm confident enough to let him be.


His daughter's birthday is tomorrow, so he's busy planning the party and this is the time for him to focus his energy to his family. Sometimes we all need our own space to create more emotional connection, don't you agree?


The thing is we have so many family obliagations because of holidays and October is the beginning of non-stop family gathering. Happy occasions do make me smile. This is when B and I try to set aside our desire to be together. It is hard, of course, but I also know that family comes first. I know deep in my heart that he cares about me and that is enough for me. I can't wait to see his beautiful face again and tell you all about it...

She Is Love

I know I had certain expectations when I married my husband. Being a romantic at heart, I always thought the husband, maybe a beautiful kid or two, in a happy home would make me the happiest girl on the planet for the rest of my life. I always believed that the girl who walked down the aisle to meet the love of her life, with high hopes, dreams, and love would never change.

Of course, I can say that part of me remains the same... God gave me the two most beautiful children who love me with their hearts unconditionally. The love I feel for my children can not be described with words. I know I'm a loving and caring mother, a friend and a wife. But along the way, I also know my husband and I lost something important in our relationship. We are both deep in the forrest, lost and we don't know how to get back to where we once were, to being best friends. We smile a lot less now. Instead, we argue and bark at each other. And because we don't want to have those ugly moments, we talk less. It's a vicious and evil cycle.

All I have wanted is to be a good wife, a loving wife and best friend to my husband. And all I have wanted is to be loved, cared for and adored by him. But, I can't help, I realize, that I'm extremely lonely. And I'm so alone and feeling this emptiness in my heart that it scares me.

I was listening to this song called "She is Love" by Parachute on my iPod and I felt tears flowing down my cheek. I couldn't stop crying because this is how I wanted to be; his love, the one my husband needs when he's hopeless to light up his world. And I wonder if I am still the one he longs for when he's having a tough day....


"I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around,
But she takes it all for me.
And I lost my faith, in my darkest days,
But she makes me want to believe.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
She is love, and she is all I need.

She's all I need.

Well I had my ways, they were all in vain,
But she waited patiently.
It was all the same, all my pride and shame,
And she put me on my feet.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
She is love, and she is all I need.

And when that world slows down, dear.
And when those stars burn out, here.
Oh she'll be there, yes she'll be there,
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love. love.

She is love, and she is all I need,
She is love, and she is all I need,
She is love, and she is all I need....."

HNT: The Seven Deadly Sins

I've seen some people playing this "Seven Deadly Sins Quiz" before, so I decided to do the same.
And what do you know, my result says, "You have commited many sins, but LUST is the moral sin that has done you in." - Really? I honestly thought that my sin would be PRIDE.

All of the questions were very interesting with multiple choices and the option to have multiple answers. I suggest you all to take the quiz - What is your dealiest sin???

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	High
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	Very Low
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	High
Pride:	High

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com

Also, Happy Half Nekkid-Thursday, guys!! Make sure to say "hey" to all the sexiness out there and spread some love!!!